Ramblings of a drug addict.

Dear Heroin.

You have a grip on my life that is nothing short of the strength of a vice.

And a vice is also what you are to my well being.

I wish I had what it takes to lose you.

You are not ruining just mine, but also the lives of the people around me.

It is not bad enough that I have the personality of a stump.

But I also have to contend with you for the contentment of my own personal worth.

You’r like a relationship to me that I hate to love.

A relationship that I would love to get out of.

Yet we have known each other for so long now, its like trying to give up a best friend.

I love you so much that without you I feel sick. 

But when Im with you it makes others around me sick.

Heroin, you make me so happy, and yet, you make me so sad. 

Heroin, I no long want you.

Heroin, why do I need you?

Im jealous of people who do not need you to have feelings of joy and excitement. 

Im jealous of people who’s love from others is the source of their well being.

Im jealous of people who have no concern of weather or not they are going to feel good or not on that particular day.

Dear heroin, why cant you just get away from me?

Dear self, why cant I do without? 

I dont know what Im gonna do.

But somehow, something needs to change. 

I cant believe how much this is actually bothering me..

I feel sad though, as if you really think Im going to judge you or care what the number is. I am just curious, I could care less how many it actually is. 

I hate when I stop and think about my life.

I literally have the very most miserable life on the planet earth. And it is not because of anything. Its just the way that I feel all the time. I am always asked why I am so down and people say, “you have to know why you’re not happy.” When I really do not, it is just this suck personality that I was born with.

My girlfriend and heroin are basically the only things I live for. I was unfortunate enough to be born with the very worst personality ever unless I am high in which I actually develop situation based emotions. 

Otherwise I am 100% apathetic about everything at a constant.

It really sucks because it makes my girlfriend think I dont care about her when I care extremely much for her… But I just literally cannot even pretend to not feel the way that I do when I am sober. I literally want to do NOTHING. I hate making other people upset because I get that way, I wish I could somehow put in their head what its like to have my brain. 


Literally. 

Then on another note, I live in California where it is literally impossible to get a job even if you have a Harvard doctorate super duper degree of all knowledge in the known universe, and here I am, a convicted criminal… Not felon but I have several misdemeanors, drug related and petty theft. 

No job on the planet (in California) is going to hire me so I am destined to live on the street or with my parents for the rest of my life.




Its all so fucking stupid, why couldn’t I have just been born with a normal working mind? People say, “you are like that because of all the drugs you do.” When really the reason I got so hooked on the shit is because it makes me NOT LIKE THAT. I can actually be a normal functioning person. I have the emotions and feeling towards things that I know I am supposed and want to have. 

I should LITERALLY be allowed to have a prescription to Oxycontin, Diamorphine, Hydromorphone or Oxymorphone that I actually need as medicine to live a normal functional life.

I would seriously be on TOP SHAPE in life if this were the case. I would have never gotten fired from any of my jobs. I would have never had to turn to doing any kind of criminal activity. I would not have a record. My family would trust me. I would be awesome company to be around.

But most of all, out of everything. I would REALLY be the best boyfriend ever. I know you say you like me better normal… But in reality, if you didnt know my “normal” and only ever knew me…. What I consider to be REALLY normal, we would probably be the absolute best couple ever.

Everything would just be so much better. Life, truly, is not fair whatsoever.

I hate my life right now and I really want to go do something really stupid. Im a liar and the people who care about me I can only make angry…

Same thing all the time.

Its also cool to know that my friend will only talk to me until I ask him to hang out. 

Quick tip.

When people think that I am going to do something.. It makes me question, why not just do it then?

Story of my life.

Either my razor blade edge of sleep ears are playing tricks on me, or I heard my fucking phone making noises, and now a lot of questions have been raised in my head.

I dont want you to break up with me.

Haiku

My very last post

Was entirely a lie

I deserve to die